Biological Depression: What It's Like

At my Bible study yesterday, someone brought up a young man who recently committed suicide.  He appeared to have it all:  he was bright and accomplished, and his future was promising.  So why would he take his life?

I didn't know the man, but I wonder if he, too, suffered from biological depression.

Biological, or clinical, depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.  It distorts your view of everything.  What goes on in my head doesn't always make sense even to me, but I'll try to describe it to you.

It's unrelated to circumstances, which can be a hard thing to understand.  My husband has found me sobbing and assured me that everything is okay.  "I know!"

I fight that battle on my own, too.  Sometimes I know everything is okay, yet I'm driven to find a way out.  Imagine being in a happy situation, yet feeling miserable.  It's an awful, out-of-control feeling.

I try to lean on what I know:  God is in control.  I have a family and friends who love me.  I hope to see my son graduate, go to college, get married, become a dad.  None of that overcomes the heavy darkness.  It's so frustrating that I sometimes want to throw something.

My doctor has not yet found the combination of medications that helps me.  But I'm hopeful because I have an appointment with a specialist in a few weeks.  I also have a source of strength in the help of my husband and a few friends.  They listen to me ramble, wait while I cry, and hug me until the storm passes.

Next week, anxiety. ;)