Friday, September 30, 2011

When I Fall Apart

rocky path at Bushkill Falls
When sorrows come, they come not single spies
But in battalions. ...
(William Shakespeare, in Hamlet)

I think Shakespeare got that right!

It's been nearly two months since I finished my radiation therapy, and nearly all of the side effects have subsided.  As they've decreased, though, we have had to deal with several other challenges.  Some have been just bumps in the road. The one that has tripped me up and thrown me to the ground is the return of my depression.

For several months my doctor hadn't adjusted my meds.  With the cancer treatments going on, it didn't make sense to try to make those changes.  Now the addition of tamoxifen has added a new factor to the mix:  because it acts on hormones, it affects everything.  So we're back to trying to find the right combination of meds, and every change takes at least a month to evaluate.

On one bad day, I heard a new song on the radio (watch the video):
I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when--
You will find me when--
I fall apart
- Josh Wilson, "Fall Apart"
This has not brought a revelation, but a reminder:  I have to rely on what I know--such as the promises that God gives us in His Word--and not on what I feel.  I know that He has a purpose for this, even though I don't understand it.  I may wish that life wasn't so hard, but I trust the Father who holds me in His hands.

My life may be a mess, but God is still God.


  1. Lifting you up in prayer! I hope the doctors find a combination of meds that work for you soon!

  2. Oh I am sorry, Melissa. :-( I pray that the right dosages will get worked out very soon. I know that depression is something that affects every area of your life, and you've been through so much already. Keep hanging in there.

    I don't know that song, but those lyrics you posted are incredible. I'll have to find the song now.

    Yes, God is still God.

  3. God will shut one door but always opens another one.....although it may be hell in the hallway.
    I just read this last night and it seemed fitting.
    Prayers going up for you.

  4. The thoughts in those lyrics are spot on. I am glad they gave you a reminder.

    I am sorry you are struggling with depression again - I pray that they can get your meds all fixed up.

  5. I get your updates in my email and am so glad. I just spent a sleepless night and feel my life is falling apart: physically and emotionally. I never heard the song before but that and your writing has been a pick me up this morning.
    Thank you

  6. No, first and most important YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!! your family needs you, your family needs your love, and you just hang on and do what you have to do to keep your nose above the water. I know that sounds bossy. But I'm really, really, really disliking the brokenness of this world – and the fact that you are broken in this way – we are all BROKEN. I'm angry at the one who started all of this – he is the only one worthy of true hate because he is the father of all hate – if he doesn't start this – we don't have sin – none of this brokenness has to happen – but then we don't get choice either – a paradox. Sorry, got a little emotional, and theological, but you take care of yourself! I mean it! God bless you and keep you and all of yours Melissa.

  7. I am so sorry your depression has returned. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  8. It's hard to do, but it's so true, Melissa. We have to rely on what we know, not on what we feel. I love that song!

    Praying for you -- for sunnier days ahead.

  9. I pray that God is giving you strength along with wisdom and understanding through this trial that you are going through.

  10. Hi Melissa,

    I had no idea you were going through this until I read this blog post. I just wanted to leave you a comment sending you big hugs and let you know I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

    Huge hugs,



  11. I trust the Father who holds me in His hands

    you said it all


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